I've been reading your forum for a while but never posted anything. I wrote this the other day for my blog and thought I would share it with other owners of GSP's.
"In August when I bought Trudy, the breeder told me she was purebred German Shorthaired Pointer. According to the American Kennel Club, the stubborn ball of fur that likes to chew on my socks and towels is 100% GSP, as are 3 generations of her sires and dams before her. Officially she is a Deutscher kurzhaariger Vorstehhund (that's what they are called in Germany) through and through.
However, despite what her papers say, I think she has a little something extra in her genepool. I've come to the firm conclusion that somewhere in Doublebarrell's [sic] Gertrude Marie there lies something more sinister than 200 years of bird dogs. Something much more terrifying.
Trudy is part velociraptor.
I don't make this accusation rashly. I know that she is a respectable young lady and the breeder took great care in selecting her parents for mating. But after spending the last 3 months with her, I know in my heart of hearts that it is the truth. One of her ancestors spent a lustful evening with one of the most terrifying predators from the Cretaceous Period. I can see some kindly GSP bitch walking home from the dog park and being accosted in an alley and ravaged by a raptor (the raptor has a real thin porn-mustache in my mind). Unable to tell her parents the circumstances of her pregnancy, she kept the litter and hid their true lineage. No one questioned why her pups had a slight green tint to them and killed several hapless scientists. And so I present to you my evidence as a means of documenting her heritage both for scientific purposes and as a means of potentially explaining my gruesome death at some point in time in the future.
Correlation 1 – Velociraptors love man meat. Trudy loves to eat toes, fingers, arms, ears, and pretty much anything else she can get her teeth on.
Correlation 2 – Velociraptors can open doors. Trudy has learned to not only be able to open her crate, she can also open my bedroom and bathroom doors (that's where I keep my socks and towels) as well as the gate to my parents' backyard. And all of this without an opposable thumb.
Correlation 3 – Velociraptors love to jump on your back and disembowel you with their wicked sharp claws. Trudy loves to jump on your front or you back or your side or your head and tear at you with her wicked sharp claws.
Correlation 4 – Velociraptors have hyper-developed minds and are smarter than dolphins or somesuch. Trudy, while she has a propensity for running into walls, can remember for days exactly where things are hidden that she isn't supposed to have.
Correlation 5 – Velociraptors have finely a tuned sense of smell and can smell who has their eggs from an alarming distance. Trudy's nose can tell you where the turkey was sitting on the counter even days after it is gone and the countered has been scrubbed numerous times.
Correlation 6 – Velociraptors are really fast and agile and can outrun other dinosaurs that are really fast like hadrosaurs. Trudy is really fast. My legs are considerably longer than hers, and I bet she would smoke me in any sort of sprinting race. She also can change direction without a loss in speed. It is like she is immune to Newton's basic laws of physics.
Correlation 7 – Velociraptors don't take shit from anyone. Trudy doesn't take shit from anyone. She certainly doesn't take it from me and I've seen her take on dogs that are 4 and 5 times her size.
Correlation 8 – Velociraptors can jump really high. Trudy can jump really high. Trudy probably stands 12" tall at the withers. From a standstill I've seen her get at least twice that high off the ground. With a running start I've seen her jump probably 5 or 6 times her body length.
Correlation 9 – Velociraptors are extremely cunning with complex problem solving skills. Trudy knows that ultimately, if she does something she doesn't have to do, all she has to do is walk real slowly towards me with her head down and I won't get mad at her. She isn't actually sorry; she just wants me to think that she is so that she escapes the repercussions. Pretty smart if you ask me.
And there you have it. Irrefutable evidence that Trudy is part velociraptor. When they find my bloodly corpse torn to shreds and my bones picked cleaned and no obvious explanation, I urge you all to pass this information along to the police. And for heaven's sake, someone please call Sam Neill." |