I am new to this forum and this is my first post. I have been lurking for a few weeks since I came across this site in doing a search on the GSP. I am not a new dog owner. I have owned at least one dog since I was three and usually more than one and generally a hunting breed. I have had weimers, black and tans, blueticks and for the last 12 or so years German shorthairs. I still have my first shorthair, now  14 , a daughter of Rawhide’s Clown and easily the smartest dog I have ever owned, slowed now by age, my old Star. The greatest thing she ever did was to give me one of the best little hunters anyone could want, Buckshot. I looked forward to several more seasons with Buck’ot. She was just a little more than 10 with the look and energy of any 3 year old GSP. She was the first pointing dog I had a hand in training. Those of you who breed must surely realize the special bond that is made with a pup that might literally have been born into your hands. They must think of you as both master and parent maybe even God-like and they look to you for everything more so than any puppy I have bought.

 I remember our first days of training in the field.  Training was fun and easy, everything came instinctually for her. I swear she could read my mind. I was worried she was running big but she would never let me out of her sight. Always wanted to be first to point and first to the retrieve. She wanted to please very much and that along with hunting was the driving force in her life.

 Then last fall just as the season was about to begin we had a bit of bad luck our male GSP began loosing weight and the Vet found a cancerous liver tumor and he passed during surgery. Just a week or so later I needed an unplanned serious but now common medical procedure and had a major complication which required a couple of large incisions. Buck’ot sleeps by my bedside and upon my return home it was difficult  for me to get comfortable.  I would shift in bed and Buck’ot would put both front feet on the bed and stare at me with concern tail not waging until I told her I was ok and to lay down this went on every time I had to move.

   Buck’ot was always up at daylight and it was rare for her to sleep in, always full of energy.   A couple of months ago I got up and she stayed laying down. When I called her to come she wagged but didn’t get up and wouldn’t set up. Her neck looked swollen.  I took her to the Vet and he thought she might be having a severe allergic reaction to some kind of bite but he couldn’t rule out lymphoma without tests. Lymphoma?  I couldn’t believe it. Just a day or two earlier she was racing my 17yr old son to the door and vaulted the love seat length wise to gain an advantage. At 10 she still looked and acted like a young dog. The white tornado my wife calls her. However the tests did confirm she did in fact have cancer.

 We began treatment but further tests and examinations indicated the cancer was well advanced. There was improvement off and on for several weeks but Buck’ot had about every side effect these drugs are capable of producing including some severe ones. We had to back off some of the treatments and her glands would swell and then we start treatment again. I felt as though I was giving her poison.  She had good days and bad and the medications and or the disease was having an effect on her personality. I began to feel guilty and selfish for putting through this, then she would have several good days and I would have guilt for my thoughts in the previous days. She went through a couple of very hyper days where the swellings subsided.  She ate constantly during that time and wanted to be outside. She did not even come into the house to sleep at night for these days, I am not sure she slept at all. Then she went back to our normal schedule and the cancer returned. Her last night she was asleep by my bedside and I was lying in bed watching her sleep. She awakened and looked up at me and I got up sat down next to her. She stared into my eyes and she whined a single whine so deep and so long, it broke my heart. I felt so helpless, I had always been able to take care of her but there was nothing I could do to fix her.  I went to the vet the next morning and with his advice it was time. The whole procedure doesn’t take long and then just as quietly, just as gently, just as sweetly as she came into my life she slipped back into the hand of God and was gone.

 Losing a dog is not new to me but this one really hurts. Maybe it’s the guilt or the events of the last months in total. I had been mentally preparing to lose Star, she is 14 but I never thought… I don’t know if I will ever have a companion as completely devoted to me as Buck’ot, maybe a once in a lifetime dog. I am sure many of you know what I mean. I still have Star, for now and she does console me. I thought I would post this here as you might understand.

I knew I shouldnt have read this at work

I think there are some dogs that are once in a lifetime.  Some dogs you just connect with beyond ownership or companionship, some dogs you just connect with on a whole nother level.  It seems like you had this in your girl.  My Labrador Bliss is that dog to me.  I honestly dont know what I'll do when she passes away.

Dont feel guilty.  It sounds like you did everything you could and that she had an amazing life. Instead of focusing on what could have been done or what could have been done differently, think of all the wonderful times you shared together.

Post some pictures of her if you want

Like many others, I know that exact feeling of looking at the dog and thinking "I have to let you go now, its about you, not about me."  And I remember writing to her oncology vet at the time that Peppy slipped away so gently as if to spare me any distress.  God bless you and Buckshot both.   

Well, a catharsis is a "purging of emotional tensions", but yes..my coworker asked me if I was okay because my eyes are all red now.  

I've lost a few dogs (and cats) over the years..it def doesnt get any easier.

I  too still feel the loss of my 2 girls  one 14 the other 8 . I knew the 14 year old was coming (throat cancer) but not the 8 year old . We hunted out west were home a week and lost her to sleen cancer. My male stopped eating  and would not play,lost weight too. so i have now added a new puppy  a cute little girl that is a great joy . Rocky now is very happy  The pain softens  and memories  take on new meaning that you will always look upon and smile to know you were loved by a gsp( been far east)

I want to thank everyone for the support and kind words. I n the overall scheme of things losing a dog seems insgnificant to the loss of a spouse or loved one but it doesn't feel that way. You know your time is limited with them. They are so into the now. Most all my photos of the dogs are in 35mm and unavailable. The best I can do is take a photo of a photo and not a good one. She was just a little girl at 45lbs completely speckled with liver she looked "buckshot"